Saturday, April 01, 2006

Deep thoughts with Jack Handy

I used to love the SNL segment featuring "Deep thoughts with Jack Handey." I thought it was a scream.

I have been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. I (and Darling) have a few difficult decisions to make regarding treatment and education for the boys. In a way, Bug Boy is easier. He will go to the local Kindergarten Center in the fall, in a typical class with typical peers and a few with autism specturm disorders. But for Bugaboo the decisions are more difficult.

Which (if any) behavior therapy should we try? What is our educational philosophy? What is our philosophy as parents? What is it we are looking for or want out of Bugaboo? Where do we want him to end up in the next 2-3 years? What about diet? Should we keep up the GFCF? Should we try Body Ecology? ACK!!!

Perhaps I am just thinking about it too much? I mean, I have everything I wanted out of Bugaboo already. I wanted a healthy, happy child. Check! I really wanted another boy since I had all of the stuff already. Check! I can hold him and love him and take care of him. Check! I can take him to the playground, play with him at home, go for walks, take him on vacation, peek in his door and kiss him when he is sleeping. Check, check, check! So what is it I am looking for?

I have a little confession to make. I have been praying so much my head hurts. What exactly I am praying for I just don't know. I don't expect a miracle cure. I think I just want a relationship with him. Perhaps some reciprocal communication? Or for him to look at me when I call his name? Heck, I'd settle to hear him call my name. But I know as soon as he did that, I'd want MORE. I will always want MORE. I have to find a way to accept him the way he is for the beautiful gift from God (his name means gift from God) that he is. He IS love. He GIVES love. He reminds me everyday why I am here. So, why aren't I appreciative of him? I cannot help but think about what he would be like at this age, had he been born "normal." UGH! What an AWFUL word! is anyone really normal? Is there a such thing as typical? Or is it just that everyone expects you to be the same, just like them? I don't want that for my kids, no matter their disability or ability. I have been working so hard my whole life to be different, perhaps I shouldn't ask less of my kids.

I have to follow the advice I gave to a friend. It is a personality quirk. It is part of what makes Bugaboo, well, BUGABOO! He is the same happy, loving, joyful child that he always was. With or without Autism. With or without speech. With or without stimming, chewing, food issues and humming.

He has ten fingers and ten toes. Good enough for me!

Feelings forcast: The Sun is peeking over the horizon. Should be bright and cheery soon!

4 comments:

Chaotic Mom said...

I didn't know you were blogging, too! Can you tell, I haven't been around lately? The daily e-mails just got overwhelming, I had to take a little "break". And I was just going to pop over there to read some, catch up, when I...

just read your comment on my blog! Man, I'm going to be hitting up your site on a regular basis now.

I feel very much the same way about my Little One as you do about yours. It is very hard for others to understand, the pain a mother feels at times. All the time.

Hang in there. I have always loved your energy, your ability to care deeply and find the good in people. I think about you and your family all the time. ;)

Welcome to the Blogosphere!!!

Chaotic Mom said...

Wait... I just posted a comment! Did it get eaten by Blogger?

You had this blog last summer? Now I'll have to read back posts... ;)

Domestic CEO said...

I'm so excited that you have a blog too! I had no idea. Yet another one to check in with - I will be checking in every day, so if that's not motivation to write in it often, I don't know what is! :)

Just Nancy said...

Marj baby,

I didn't know you were blogging! Another one I can add to my blogroll! Welcome to this side of the cybersphere!