WARNING! VERY NEGATIVE POST AHEAD!!!

Yesterday was teh. worst. day. Evar.

Not really, but it felt like it at the time. I think I have to crash and burn every once in a while in order to know what it is like to soar higher than the clouds, you know?

Nothing went as planned. I got a letter over the weekend that Bugaboo's placement for the fall is as yet undetermined. It seems the IU is moving all of the classrooms around, trying to get kids closer to home, etc, etc. They claim we will have more options. Yeah, right. In other words, they are trying to save money. And they don't want to put money into old buildings. So they are moving kids around. Grr...he likes his class, I hope we can keep the teacher!

We also found out that Bugaboo was denied, AGAIN, for wrap around services. I don't know what the problem is. I went through all of the proper channels, and everyone on his case agrees that he NEEDS TSS at home. We need help! We are so frustrated with his behavior and we don't know what to do. When I talked to Darling about it, he asked why. I don't have a clue! I have been trying to call to talk to someone, but I need to talk to his case worked before I call the mental health provider. Darling thinks it is because he is only 3, has no violent outbursts, doesn't injure anyone, doesn't bite or kick. He is a happy kid. But he is destructive (breaks and messes things constantly) and runs around without stopping from dawn to dusk. And he does dangerous things. It is making me furious! I am considering looking into a different agency that can help us with obtaining a TSS that is trained in DIR, which is the direction I want to go anyway. I'd just hate to leave behind Elwyn, they've done great things for us!

I also had moments with Bugaboo yesterday that caused me to call Darling crying and stating, "I can't do this anymore! I don't want him to be autistic anymore! I can't handle this! I can't DO this! I don't even know how to parent my own child!" Needless to say, I had three hours of sleep the night before, Aunt Flo is visiting, we had a very busy weekend, etc. In other words, my body is just worn out. I need a vacation away from the kids and Darling (sounds terrible, but I only need one day in a hottub!) so badly. Just silence. I am thinking of going on a retreat. I think it would refresh my body and spirit.

Darling, of course, knew just what to do when I called him crying. He came home as soon as he could, quickly ate dinner, helped bathe the kids and get them in jammies, and then whisked them out the door and left me alone. He doesn't say much (he tends to be reticent) but he certainly know just what to do when I need it most. He was nice to me, nice to the kids, and got them out of my hair. When he returned about 1.5 hours later, I had cleaned the bathrooms (helped me work out some frustration) and taken a very long bath, resulting in pruny fingers and toes. Then I parked on the couch and watch dumb tv until he returned with two sleeping children. Ahhhhhh....

Ok, you are wondering, what is so negative about this? Well, I am just a spaz. I keep saying I am fine with my kids the way they are. I am doing everything I can. I keep up with the endless doc appts, despite having a flat tire like this morning. I have them in therapy. I have them signed up for summer camp (therapeutic camp! YEAH!). I mother them, feed them, love them. But I feel this nagging voice inside of me (I think it is the little devil sitting on my shoulder) that keeps telling me that I want more from them! I want Bugaboo to speak and communicate! I want Bug Boy to have friends his age! I want kids to call my kids begging for playdates! I want my kids to be comfortable at a birthday party or picnic without being so overstimulated and hiding somewhere or running away. Why can't my kids be like other kids?

Now, before you get all preachy on me, let me explain. I know that all kids have issues. I know that no child is perfect. I know that God gives us what we can handle. I know that I am one lucky momma to have such beautiful children. I thank God everyday for what I have. But it hurts sooooo badly.

We went to a baseball game the other day. April is Autism Awareness month and there were a few families at the game, since there was an event in town. I can spot them (kids with autism) a mile away, after working with kids like Bugaboo for a few years, and then having my kids. But, this child, although he made some noises and perseverated a little, TALKED TO HIS MOTHER and PLAYED with his brother! I was in tears watching, I hope they don't think I was staring. I couldn't speak up and talk to this family, I was so choked up thinking about how scared I am that Ian won't ever be able to tell me he loves me or just say, "Dad." I am so afraid that he will be victimized, since predators know kids with disabilities can't speak up. I am afraid he will elope, escape, get hurt, or worse, get killed. I can't let him out of my sight for a second! It is so difficult! I keep wondering why. Why us? Why both of them? Bug Boy is doing well, and even seems to blend in, and people might think he is odd, but he seems "normal." But not Bugaboo. Even at the dentist this morning he was hurdling over couches, jumping off of tables, taking the cover off of the fish tank and splashing the water trying to get the fish. People smiled and commented on his energy. I know that look they give me, you know, the "Wow, your child is an undisciplined, hyperactive brat" look? Yeah, that one. I just want to scream sometimes. I am a good mother! It isn't my fault! He is as God made him, so get over it!

Good advice! I should take that myself, and stop beating myself up for it. But it is so much harder than it seems. There are a few things that keep me sane, other than my supportive husband. Family who is there for us and ready at a moment's notice when I am about to lose it. Friends who lend a sympathetic ear and help out when they can. Other families with issues like mine, networking is KEY in this world. And finally, faith. Actually, faith is first. Without it, I don't know where I'd be.

Enough rambling ,this is turning into an Epic...