Female troubles

Sorry if it is TMI, but before you read any further I want to warn you of female issues ahead:

For the past two months I have been having some problems with my cycles. Or lack thereof. For the past two years I have been having symptoms of perimenopause, although my OB/GYN thinks I am much too young to be having symptoms. My periods are irregular and I spot in between. My chest is very tender, I can feel cramps in/around my ovaries (have always been able to tell when I am ovulating) and I've had this constant tired feeling going on.

My last two paps have been normal. My exams have been normal. The "girls" have been normal (well, except losing 50% of their content due to the end of breastfeeding!). So, today I must call the OB/GYN and go in. Again. This just doesn't feel right. I am praying that I am not having similar problems to Dino Boy's Mom, she only has one ovary due to a nasty cyst and then an ectopic. I will let you in on a little secret: I've been on the pill for two years and it looks like it ain't working the way it should. And I've tried three different versions, lowest estrogen possible.

I originally got on it because I've never had regular periods. When I was doing NFP it was nearly impossible to figure out when I was ovulating and I ended up preggers, twice. My body was doing all kinds of funky stuff. One week I'd have a three day period, another month it would come after forty days and then last for over a week. My fertile time eventually got up to nine days, as best I could tell. After mulling it over for a very long time I decided I wanted to try the pill. For the first year it worked fine. Well, at least my period was somewhat normal, came every twenty-eight days and left after four or so. I actually knew exactly when it would come for the first time in my life.

Side note: Yes, I know about the church's teachings on birth control. But since I do not want to be pregnant since it could possibly leave my children without a mother I decided God would forgive me about this one. I have not decided if it is something I will bring to confession.

It is no longer working. The doctor and I have tried two more recipes. I have been having constant spotting and cramping in between periods, when i get a period. Even though I was just there last month I have to make another appointment to get checked out and this time she may want to do an ultrasound. Oh, joy.

I must tell you that all of this ability to conceive make me crazy. I want so badly to have another child. I always pictured myself the mother of three or four. Darling even jokes about giving the boys a sister. I know that if we tried I'd no doubt be pregnant. But there lies the mixed blessing. I have had two complicated deliveries due to placenta abruptia, one that nearly resulted in the end of life for me and Bugaboo being born stillborn. I had an emergency C-section with him and I hemorrhaged with both boys. I was anemic after both of them were born, with Bugaboo it was so bad I couldn't get out of bed for over a week. They had to restart my heart and blood pressure on the table. Darling got so upset he left the delivery room and fainted.

I sometimes cry at night thinking about it. I will never again hold a baby in my arms and nurse it at my breast. But I do not feel complete, I cannot tell you how this feels. Then there is the fact that I am currently trying to prevent pregnancy and I do not want to prevent it. I must be crazy! Is there not enough on my plate already? Then there is the fact that so many of my friends and family struggle with infertility and miscarriage and here I am, able to conceive. Talk about guilt! I want this so much for them it makes me feel like I have nothing to complain about.

Can you tell I am hormonal? Gotta get off of these pills...