Rock bottom and back up again

This crazy little world I live in is like the longest roller coaster ride. EVER. I mean, it goes up and down and around, and back upside down, up the hill, down the hill. Sometimes it stops. And just when I think the ride is over, and it is slowing down, I go back up the hill and brace myself for the very long drop ahead.

The past two weeks have been hectic at best, and depressing at worst. My SIL was here with her son for a visit. It was supposed to be a relaxing 10 days, some fun trips to the zoo or museums, about twenty trips to the park up the street. But, we all ended up with a stomach bug. It went through every single one of us, every two days. Bugaboo ended up in the emergency room, and they should have kept him a few days, since he doesn't cooperate with eating and drinking. But they sent him home and it took over a week to get him back to eating and drinking normally. Or at least normally for him.

Then my nephew ended up in the ER, and he stayed for THREE days. He was in bad shape. Then he stayed home a day and ended up in the ER again, dehydrated. The last two days they were with us we spent at home with cranky kids. Not fun.

The day we took them to their new home in Jersey was the worst day I have had in recent memory. It started like a typical day: kids running around, hungry, adults need their coffee before dealing, cartoons on for a diversion. I made a breakfast of SOS (creamed chipped beef) and home fries. We sat to eat but bugaboo was not cooperative. He cried. He screamed. He threw a tantrum. He wouldn't eat anything but toast. And then Darling started in on his issues and how "we have to do something about this" which means, "you aren't doing enough to change this situation."

I guess I felt attacked. I mean, I am completely consumed with this kid and his issues. Both kids, to be precise. I spend my days filling out paperwork, driving to therapy, going to doctor's, and once in a while a playdate. I'd like more playdates. At least I would get to talk to an adult! But, I am doing the best I can.

It was so frustrating. We were trying to force Bugaboo to eat something and I just couldn't do it. He screamed and cried. I cried. Darling looked like he was about to cry. All of this happening while my perfect two-year-old cutie of a nephew was sitting and eating and chatting away to his Momma. It was breaking my heart. I love being around him, but it was KILLING me that day.

So, After Darling and I had a small tiff about the typical autism-related stuff, I took Bugaboo up to his room and curled up in a ball on his bed while he played and read books. He kept coming over to me and kissing me (rare!) and hugging me. He clearly knew I was upset. After about an hour of me in a coma, Darling came upstairs. He and his sister had talked. She knows we are having a rough time and decided she wanted to go to her new place a day early to give us some space. I felt like a gigantic moron because I made her feel uncomfortable. But, we cleared things up, changed our plans for the day and helped her pack.

I was supposed to go to a cousin's party (sort of a family reunion, but just cousins, which is about 37 people and their kids and spouses, etc.) and see my family, leaving Bugaboo behind with Darling but taking Bug Boy to run and play with his cousins. But I could not stand to be around anyone that day. The last thing I wanted to do was to go to a HUGE family gathering (100+ it turns out) and watch everyone else's perfect three-year-olds playing, talking, hugging and kissing. I couldn't listen to my cousin's two-year-old premie giggling and saying, "Mama!" over and over. It was physically too painful. I called my sisters and they were kind enough to stretch the stomach virus excuse out so that they didn't have to tell everyone I was too depressed to be there.

After driving Darling's sister and Nephew to the shore, we decided to take advantage of the day and drive over the bridge to Ocean City. It was a GORGEOUS cool day, jackets necessary. My kind of weather! We walked on the board walk, had Pizza and fries, took the kids on a few rides. Just what we needed, some family fun! And, it was the prescription we all needed, a low-stress family outing with no real time-table, no one to call, no appointment to rush home for. We didn't even think about bedtimes or medicines or anything. We just concentrated on having fun with the kids. While Darling took Bug Boy on the go-karts and played mini-golf (not Bugaboo friendly) I walked along the boardwalk with Bugaboo pointing out the ocean, the sand, things we saw in stores. Then we all headed to the amusement rides, which Bugaboo normally doesn't enjoy. It is too loud, too busy, too much stimulation. Usually the kind of place I avoid with him. But he seemed so interested in the rides, watching them closely and smiling. Right before we left I took a chance and got tickets for the carousel. I figured if he screamed and cried at least it was cheap! So, we got on, I put him on the horse (which he previously FREAKED OUT on) and belted him in. He held on with both hands and smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen. He was ready!

The ride started, the horse pumped up and down and Bugaboo laughed and had a grand time. He only got scared toward the end of the ride and put a Vulcan death grip on my shoulder. Other than that he had a grand time! When we got off he was so relaxed he fell asleep in minutes in the car. Just what he needed. And the best part was that he ate a piece of pizza crust and tried a Curly fry. A large feat for a child who won't even eat a different brand of toast.

So, just like the roller coaster that Bug Boy was too short to ride on, life is up and down and around again. Sorry if it is a bad analogy, but you know that movie, Parenthood? That part when the grandma explains the roller coaster and its comparisons to real life? That really resonates with me now. I didn't quite get it before. But I realize now that I am here for the ride, might as well enjoy it. Except I get a teensy bit motion sick...