Something I Have to Admit

My sister was right.

She said I basically have to mind my own business when it comes to my nephew BJ. And she is right.

Getting myself all worked up about choices his parents make or do not make is really an unhealthy thing. BJ is their child, and whether I agree with what they do or not does not matter a hill of beans. He is their child and they have the right to raise him anyway they choose.

There are people out there who would argue this. When a child has a significant disability you really are under obligation to raise them the best way you can. Is my sister doing that? I think she is doing the best she is able. I believe she loves him unconditionally and does everything she can to raise him with love and gentle guidance. Although my mother believes that his main issues is a lack of discipline (may be true) I do not believe this to be the case. I just do not want my sister feeling like she is a bad mother. Because she is not a bad mother! She is one of the most eccentric, creative, fun-loving, movie-quoting people I know. Extremely bright and not arrogant at all. She lives in her own little world (as does her husband) and even though they are dirt-poor they are happy. What is wrong with that? If her son grows up to be "different" and has some behavioral issues, it is not a result of lack of parenting. He will grow up to be JUST LIKE HIS PARENTS.

There is great argument out there in the autism world about what level of intervention is necessary and warranted. Some go whole-hog and do everything from biomedical intervention to vitamin therapies to chelation to hyperbaric chambers, you name it. Others try behavioral therapies and intense language therapies. Others believe in Neurodiversity and treat their children like normal children, free from therapies and chelation. Does any one approach have it over the other? Or is it basically up to the family to decide what works for them? Yes, it is up to the individual family. No matter how much I disagree with what others do to/with their children, it is none of my concern. The best I can do is pray and move on. So that is what I plan to do.

Is it such a bad thing if BJ turns out just like his parents? They are very intelligent people. They are eccentric and are total book worms. They both suck at math and my sister cannot spell for anything. But she is happy. There is nothing wrong with that. His behavior will not go away but in the right school program, and being around other children his age (who will hopefully model behavior for him) he will improve. After all, my siblings and I had no real early intervention. The late talkers in my family went to speech therapy and OT but went right to regular kindergartens. And we all went to Catholic schools (with dyslexia, ADHD and developmental delays) and did fine. There were no diagnoses. I can guarantee you that my sister and I would have been diagnosed with ADHD, my younger sister possibly Asperger's (due to her early speech and her odd behaviors) and my brothers? Possibly PDD. Even my mother comments on how Bugaboo acts just like my red-headed brother. And Bug Boy is almost exactly like my youngest brother. Funny, huh?

We had no early intervention. No IQ tests (until later). No intense therapies. No TSS. We are all fine (well, some may argue this point). My parents did not even know those things existed. Only the most severe got those things at that time. Five of us are married. Four of us have children. Six of us no longer live with our parents. All seven of us have a significant other, are happy in what we do and have jobs to pay the bills. We can all go to movies and restaurants and order dinner. We have friends and do things socially (although we all prefer to stay home and watch movies and do our own version of MST3K, Joel Hodgsen version). I think we are all fine.

Now, do not get me wrong. I think BJ would benefit from therapy. In fact, I think he would EXCEL in life if he had some. But he will be fine without it, too. People may not give him the same considerations as they would with a diagnosis, but in a way those diagnoses can be dangerous. Ever hear of the self-fulfilling prophesy of education? Basically, a teacher will treat a child a certain way because of their label, diagnosis, disability. They will not do anymore or less. Kind of as if the child only has X potential because of Y disability, so they will only do Z. It is a very dangerous thing for a child. I hate that my kids have a diagnosis in a way but because of their interventions I feel they have done better WITH the label. Not everyone agrees. And that is ok with me.

I have too much on my plate to worry about what everyone else on the planet is doing. It is my nature to be concerned about others, offer advice (even when it isn't wanted) and to be especially close with my sisters. I think it is only natural that I love my niece and nephews as if they were my own and I would do anything for them. But, my family is capable of making decisions I do not agree with and I am still going to love them. And once I express my difference of opinion, that is as far as it will go. Agree to disagree. That is a step I never thought I could take. Yet, I am taking it! Funny! What is all of this maturity stuff going on?